Since moving to Houston, I hoped for new beginnings, a new life, and then society pressures were allowed to seep in to my marriage and life. The year 2000 was when my thoughts of a life as a wife and mother completely changed... I made some bad choices in 2000, so much so that they not only affected my life, but the lives of all those that I love dearly. My family, my children and anyone that shared their lives with me in one way or another.The choices I made, led me down a dark road, through out those dark times, I was still able to feel that tug at my heart... that tug at my arm... The soft whisper in my ear... "This way my child" but I kept on walking in what I was so fooled to believe was the way to live life. But you see... the timing had already caused so much damage to my children and loved ones. I finally learned to quiet myself and listen closely for His Whispers... The one thing I learned though, is that, God does not want us living with shame or regrets.
"The Bible teaches us that once we confess our sins, accept Christ’s sacrifice for our sins on the cross on our behalf, and become children of God, we are cleansed from all our unrighteousness"(Colossians 1:15-22)
Read more: "What does the Bible say about shame and regret?"
I finally crawled out of that darkness and came to see the light, brighter than I could ever imagine. Everything was so clear and beautiful, Here With Me by MercyMe fits that moment so well, but yet, I still felt shattered from all those years of living my life for "me". I listened closely, made sure to ask Him for forgiveness and worked diligently to make amends and make peace with those lives that all my choices affected.
I still remember driving down the road one day, I was in tears... so lost, so confused, but still holding on with all the knowledge and faith, that God was taking very good care of me. I had made the right choice, but I was scared. I couldn't breath, the tears kept streaming down. This is where I cried out the words... "Jesus Take The Wheel" I remember that day so vividly, driving down the streets of Houston, Tx, listening to KSBJ. Wondering "What now Lord? You are in control, I can't do this anymore by myself. Forgive me!!"
He had me at that point... my life turned around for the better. 2005 and on had brighter days ahead, it was going to be an uphill battle, but I knew that God was with me and He would be carrying me. I was devoting more of my time to prayer, I was new to bible studies, back in church. Three years go by and I remarried... things were looking so bright, trials were still experienced, but they were nothing God couldn't handle, besides... I was out of the darkness that I had been crawling through previously and I was living a life that God was calling me to live. I was saved, in more ways than one... I can not fix some of the damages that occurred during those years prior, but I knew that through God alone, He could bring peace to me and all who were affected by my choices. Little did I know that my bright days would come again to a stormy end... I was shattered because I was living my life according to God's will. God was there though, He told me, I survived worse, I knew that this time, I could walk away with more confidence and less fear, because God was still with me. He had made me a stronger woman, prepared me for the upcoming storm that I did not even foresee in 2013.
It will be two years in March since moving out on my own... I have learned many things since then and continue to learn. God is continuing to work in my life... He is polishing this rock in to a GEM. I believe it... He has brought people in to my life that I never would imagine and taken others that I never thought would have been taken, but in the process of all these new people in my life and those removed from my life, I'm still learning more and more about myself. One thing I can say is that because of my relationships and how they ended, I no longer trust anyone in my life for the exception of God and my family. I do not allow anyone else to come in to my life or heart like I use to. I don't love like I use to either... I am a work in progress, but I refuse to allow a person to shatter my life completely because of their wrong doings, their flaws, their indiscretions... I no longer depend on anyone on this earth to make my life complete, I only depend on God now. I lean only on HIM... I do believe that, THIS was the lesson for me. No one but God alone can make me happy, then the love of my family. I am a work in progress! Praise God!!
So to those people that were in my life, that were trusted with my whole life and things failed, THANK YOU... for making me who I am today. May God work in you as He has worked continuously in me... To those in my life now, all I ask is for patience while God continues to work on me.
I AM GOD'S CHILD...
