Tuesday, February 20, 2007

A little about me

I am a Child of God

I love God, my children, my family, I love life and I love the friends that I have made here on-line and in life itself and I believe in unconditional love. I have lived an extremely full life in my 45 years on this earth. I don't live with regrets, many walk in shame and embarrassment from their past wrong doings and I have had my days of walking in shame and embarrassment, but I have repented and have asked for forgiveness for my actions and bad choices that I have made in my life. All my experiences, bad choices and actions have made me who I am today, and I thank God for the revelation of who I am on this day and who I am to be, at the end of this journey.

I have three beautiful children and have been married twice, in which those times, I have always believed that my calling from God, was to be a loving wife and mother. All of that was shattered when both marriages ended due to society's pressures, temptations and addictions. I am not a perfect woman, I have had some blame for each marriage coming to an end. I prayed each time for both marriages to be saved, nothing was changing. Little did I know that the ending to the first marriage was going to lead me down a long road full of uncertainty. All the time I prayed for God to change me, I thought it was me all along, but I found that I was the only one attempting to change. Each marriage ended, the second one left me a shell of a woman.

I fell in to a marriage that was a controlled one, it was a marriage that was based on "My way or the highway". I accepted that condition, due to my previous marriage, where there was no control on my ex-husbands part. The control that I allowed myself to live through was subtle at first, I was showered with attention, loving attention and as time went by, the control became more obvious, NEVER to abuse, but if my hair didn't look right, I needed to brush it different, I was told certain clothes didn't look right, I was told how to talk, how to communicate. I was told that my hobbies and interests would not have a place in my life because my life would be consumed by him. I was told to lose weight constantly, even at 115 lbs., it killed my self esteem, I thought I was unattractive, even at 110, even then, it was "5 more lbs". I was told that I wasn't a good mother to my children because I loved them too much. My children were my life, I was asked if I would give them up to their father (who could barely take care of himself). I couldn't do it, I had no choice but to lie at times to protect my children and my marriage. It wasn't always like this,each marriage had many great times. There were other things involved that led to the ruin of the marriage but, the control, was his addiction. I couldn't change any more...and I knew he wouldn't or couldn't, so when I prayed for my marriage to be saved, I was saved from the marriage. Twice God told me that the marriage was not a good one... I left that marriage with very low self esteem. I'm rebuilding my self-esteem as I write these words. I'm exposing myself here, only in hopes that maybe, just maybe, I can be some comfort for another woman out there. That she has worth to her, just as I do.

I continue on my journey, and I wake up every day and welcome the unknown that lays before me with open arms. I praise God for every single day that I am given.

I have been blessed with a wonderful man that has been a rock for me and of great support with my awakening... Thank you PC, I love you dearly for the endless love and support. I experienced an Awakening of sorts (with no knowledge to myself) in August of 2005, I didn't realize it until I read the poem "The Awakening" months later. The poem describes exactly what I found myself living at that particular time in my life, word for word.

An AWAKENING is not a short synopsis of sorts. It is something very real and well worth the fight, the struggle, the tears and even pain! Because at the end, you'll find yourself in a peaceful place...

I have been through the fight, the tears, the pain and still continue with the struggle on this journey of mine, but... I am in that peaceful place! Thank you Lord for the journey, the trials and the tribulations that made me the woman that I am today and for the woman that I am meant to be.

I am very open minded to all things in life, I don't judge others and don't like judgmental people. I believe in angels, I also believe that bad energy does exist and that we play a big part in creating it... My beliefs are my beliefs, I have an interest in many things that may come across as conflicting to others, but this is a free country... and in saying that my respect and full support goes to all military men/women that are out there fighting for my freedom of speech and my right to express it.

Please know there is no situation in your life that is too big for God to deliver you from. I personally know this.

I'm hoping that I can pass along some "hope" for those that face daily challenges.

This is my way of trying to make a difference in the world. 

**Update: Fast forward to April 2020 - I am God's Daughter, I belong to no one but Him. I no longer look for approval, acceptance and love from a man or from this earthly world. My bondage from Codependency have been broken through God and ONLY God! Glory to God forever!**

3 comments:

Sage said...

Sent you an email of my thoughts :)

~^^~L*C~^^~ said...

THANK U so much for sharing this with blog with me. I find it very touching; I have actually considered creating something like this myself. I also enjoyed the poem, "The Awakening." It speaks to all of us; so many times in life, we come across situations or struggles, and we give into fear instead of faith. I love the message that this poem conveys. I am falling in love w/ the site as well.

I enjoy hearing stories of women and what they have endured. It is inspiring to young women like me who have not lived as much; it is an effort to gain wisdom, to learn from you, what I have not learned or have yet to learn in my journey of life. My walk with Christ has grown closer every day; communicating with other Christians helps as well. I am grateful for this opportunity to be here on your blog :).

a faith bigger than fear said...

Thank you Elsie for the kind words. I prayed long and hard for direction on how I could reach out and touch maybe a few lives, and this is what I heard. Alot of what I write, will sometimes apply mostly for women, but in reality, alot of it can apply to men as well.

There is obviosuly more to my life, things I'm still not ready to share, but in time, as events and conversations come up with various women, my stories come about in hopes that it will help give a glimmer of hope that they too can get out of what ever situation they may find themselves in.

There is no room for fear in this journey of ours, only faith and confidence that God is leading us where we need to be, not so much where we want to be. It's a matter of accepting His direction.

Many blessings to you on your journey...

Always,