My Journey Continues

Many times, we attempt to play God in our own lives. We attempt to play God by trying to control everything for our own selfish reasons. I've done it, numerous times, and let me tell you, it wasn't easy to let go of what I thought was good control of my own life. Thing is, I never had control.... in fact, I was giving ALL my control away to men, and friends, that didn't have a real clue as to what was best for me. I wasn't even attempting to be the center of my own universe. I was more concerned about being the center of other's lives because of fear of abandonment, fear of not being loved, not being accepted. When all along, these people had no real interest in me personally. I tried to control my image, I cared so much about what other people thought of me. I didn't want anyone to know what I really was like, when in fact, I was and am, a very beautiful soul. I actually believed that their view of who I should be, was more important. When in fact, I now know and see what a wonderful person I am. I'm not about to share ALL my hurts, habits and hangups here, in this platform. We play games, we wear masks, we pretend and we fake it. We want people to see certain sides of us while we hide other's. We deny our weakness and we deny our feelings. Why are we afraid to tell people, who we really are? Answer, "If I tell you who I really am and you don't like me, I'm in trouble - because then... I'm all I got." You see, those four little words... have always scared me. The thought of being alone was petrifying!!! The real pain comes when we realize, in our quieter moments, that no matter how hard we try, we're not in control. That realization can and IS very scary. I have been very blessed these last three years... I have learned that God forgave me for ALL my past, a very long time ago. Everything... things I had no control of and things I should have had "some" control. I've been learning to forgive myself for everything and most importantly, make my amends to everyone and most importantly, myself. I've been learning to live WITH JUST myself. For those who have been a part of my journey these last three and a half years... Thank you! But most importantly... Thank you Lord for Your Love and Grace! No anger, no hatred AND no fear. It hasn't been easy, but ... it's been more peaceful for my heart and soul. This lady is still learning to be accepting of herself and to not need anyone in her life to make her feel like she's important. I already am, I have been in His eyes this WHOLE time.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path. Proverbs 3:5-6